High Expectations

“Expectations can lead to disappointment”. I have said this statement, both personally and professionally. I have heard this statement, both personally and professionally. I have experienced this statement, both personally and professionally. And it is not always fun.

A monk once told me he believed it possible to live free of expectations. That’s a great story for a monk, but as a resident of Orange County, CA, immersed in the throws of capitalism, patriarchy, and being a single female over the age of 30, I see the vast majority of us, including yours truly, living a very different narrative. But why? Why, if we understand the potential grave disappointment, do we keep up the expectations?

The nurture of the beast that becomes our narrative is based upon the stories we perceive as well as the stories we are given. These stories organize our decided purpose, meanings, thoughts, feelings, and craft our overall identity as we move through our own life. This is the foundation of Narrative Therapy, the idea that we are comprised of narratives that create our own reality and these narratives can unfortunately become problematic. Within our own perceptions, we also conceive an idea of how we, others, things, and life essentially “should” be, or form expectations.

Expectations can be about anything and everything both within and outside of us. These expectations can, but do no always, lead to disappointment when they are not met at all or in the way we expect our expectations to be met. The “remedies” for such disappointment are endless, such as communicating expectations openly and freely so as to make others aware or remain curious with others so as to not expect with misinformation, as well as perhaps keeping expectations low so as to lessen the risk of disappointment or expect catastrophe so as to prepare oneself for the worst. Many coping strategies have been adopted. The perception that expectations are bad for potentially perpetuating disappointment contribute to our own uniquely crafted narrative.

But, alternatively, what if an expectation is NOT bad?

I dated a man who into well the relationship told me he had tremendously high expectations of me. My initial experience was fear that I could not live up to such a demand. It seemed unfair and I felt put upon. The more that I sat with these words, however, the more I started to explore an alternate meaning, and I became flattered. He had placed these expectations on me after knowing me, as I naturally am, which meant he expected a lot from me BECAUSE he knew me. He found me worthy of a high expectation. And I began to reflect on the expectations others had placed upon me: my parents, my friends, my employers, my teachers, etc regardless of whether or not I had ever disappointed them. And it occurred to me what an honor it can be to be expected from.

I am in no way encouraging any type of emotional abuse or absurd demands of others to be taken as a compliment. I am simply mentioning, however, that if our trusted ones expect our potential to be met, it may be because they see our potential, perhaps clearer than we do, and have a grand idea of what our capabilities are because we are, in fact, capable, with only our self doubt as an obstacle to achievement. In this case, expectations do not need to be felt as a burden. Expectations can be seen as an appreciation for who we are and what we have offered.

I hope that expectations are kept high of me. I hope my close ones are disappointed if I am ever not loving, trustworthy, and accountable, for I pride myself on these attributes. I hope my clients do not accept me if I am ever invalidating, not supportive, or not curious and open to their experiences, because I consciously work diligently to be such. I invite these expectations that align with my narrative of who I want to be, personally and professionally. And I would not want anyone’s expectations of me to be less.