Sometimes

Home from a rejuvenating and restorative vacation in the magical Costa Rica. I am happy to report the sensation is bittersweet and not solely morose. The amount of frustrations and anxieties that built and compressed prior to trip were worth the experience. There were so man reasons compiling to not go but the single reason to go that superseded all the others was ironically based in fear: a fear of regret. Which, of course, got me thinking…

We are force fed so many discourses from every possible external source, and not that I am blaming because our “need” to place blame is in my opinion rooted in yet another discourse we have often adapted. Variations an adopted narrative sound like “Fear is weakness” or “Fear nothing”. They are each such generalized bullshit, with evidence being that fear can be motivating. Fear can be fun. Fear can be survival. And the more I examine these cliche narratives declaring “what is” or “what is good” I find myself veering drastically and dramatically away from the yes/no dichotomy and landing within the gray area of sometimes.

Some might say my trip was a bad idea with their own judgments surrounding financial opinions or societal standards. Some might say it was a great idea because ultimately it was thoroughly incredible. The truth is that sometimes things are good and sometimes things are bad and there is no way to predict how they will b or if regret will make an appearance. In the time I have known me I have seen myself far more often than not regret things i did not participate in versus things that I did. Though this facade of understanding of ourselves can be mistaken for certainty or clarity, it is nothing more than an educated guess and an informed choice without guarantee.

Things and choices are not always that simple. The semantics of humanity have us pulled in many directions, at various times and simultaneously, sometimes repeatedly. We have responsibilities and priorities, externally inflicted and/or internally adopted, and self committed. I have participated myself and encountered many individuals in “the waiting room”. Subconsciously yet voluntarily stuck in a waiting room to avoid the uncertainty of what is outside of it, attached to the assumed potential of what is within the waiting room, we wait. We often assume this waiting is like a real waiting room as well: sitting mindlessly preoccupied with media we are not truly invested in remaining far more concerned about what is not in our line of sight. Sometimes, the room is like this. And sometimes the waiting room is different: active and distracting and so chaotic that the idea we could even be a waiting room seems absurd.

Yet another discourse woven within the “Be Fearless” impossibility is the idealized “grind”. We have normalized the hustle, the achieve, the strive, and so often this grind is not even for us. It is rooted in obligation, reward or what we have attached to our definition of reward, for recognition.

I cannot shake these discourses so easily, nor do I expect anyone else to easily do so. I cannot permanently leave “work hard, not yet, fear of scarcity” mentalities, as exhibited by my examinations of reasoning to not take my glorious vacation. Truth be told, sometimes I think these mentalities can be helpful. As a permanent way of thinking, however, no. At least for me, just no. If i waited for every duck to be in its row I never would have taken my trip or any trips most likely ever. I assume I would have regretted not creating my opportunity because it will not ever be perfect or right or enough especially when this subjective “certainty” is an invisible measuring stick we are trying to compete with and it cannot be achieved. This stuckness in the grind would become the absurd waiting room.

The first of the Four Noble Truths is “Life is Suffering'“ which sounds upon first introduction like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh wrote it. It means life is not constant or stable but rather there is a constant of change or instability. That change becomes true suffering when we attach ourselves to a facade of certainty or stability in life.

Sometimes, advice giving can be frivolous. Sometimes story exploring can be much more impacting. Sometimes its imperative to resort to the Whys, the Why Nots, the What Ifs, and What Else. Why are we stuck in any particular waiting room? Why not risk stepping out? What if we constructed new discourses? What else is possible.