Relationship Goals

A intangible mystery, transcending beyond the greatest mystery which is the mystery of life itself, is the human relationship. Relationships including but not limited to those of lovers, parents and children, siblings, teachers and students, friends, acquaintances, employers and employees, as well as providers and customers, all possess a unique and systematic function that is indefinable and original, not only to the type of relationship but each specific relationship. Meaning that simply because I have a sister and you have a sister does not mean our relationships with our sisters look remotely the same. And though we as a society may make assumptions that certain expectations within of types of relationships do or should exist (IE monogamy in a marriage), it is not always the case.

When objectively examining a relationship in therapy I have found it necessary to review the expectations of those involved in said relationship. Expectations often get a bad rap and in my professional and personal opinion, they often deserve it. We expect our mothers and fathers to provide constant nurture and love as well as structure but only when convenient for us as well as perhaps the occasional and/or regular financial support. We expect our teachers to be entertaining and lenient but purposeful and educational while not ever remotely boring. We expect our lovers to be doting and comforting but constantly passionate and exciting while having total understanding of what we need when we need it with or without communication. And we expect all of this without the expectation that they are human beings and may make a mistake. Even if we tell ourselves we know they are human, we are disappointed when our expectations of perfection are not met but interrupted with an unexpected surprise of change.

So let us free ourselves of expectations! Seems easy enough, right? Said no one ever. And expecting the worst from people is also an expectation so don’t think you cleverly beat the argument I’m making with that technique. I’ve already over utilized that tactic myself, thank you very much.

So what now? If we’ve got some expectations happening, and we have more on the way, what do we do with these in relationships to make ourselves less miserably disappointed when others don’t align with our unspoken criteria?

SPEAK UP.

Some of the best words of wisdom I ever received from a professor in grad school was, “You have no right to be upset about the things you didn’t get if you never asked for them.” Simplicity and complexity rolled into brilliance. If you want something in your relationship, ask for it. And if you do not ask for it, you have no reason or standing to assume that you will or deserve to get it. And yet what is one of the scariest things to do in a relationship? Ask for what you want. Damn rock and hard places wrapping vulnerability around us every change they get.

The alternative is fear, stuckness, and dissatisfaction in our relationships or without relationships altogether. We sit in relationships unfulfilled because “that’s how they are” or because “they don’t understand me”. We may even assume the worst about a person, a category of people, or even a whole gender, including that they might be from another planet. So rather than assume that we know everything about another entirely different individual especially when we do not fully know everything about ourselves, don’t. Assume that others, just as you, are multi-layered and ever evolving. And on the flip side of that coin, don’t assume that anyone could know everything about you, including what you want and/or need. Take a chance in your relationships by asking for what you want or need and you just might get it.