The Past

Everyone has a past. We often utilize our past experiences to define us, which can be empowering as well as restricting. There is a delicate balance between learning from our past and allowing it to determine our future. For example, we may decide that because a toxic past relationship occurred with an individual displaying certain behaviors that any individual we come into contact with in the future exhibiting one or more of said behaviors will be the catalyst to our engagement in yet another toxic relationship. This can sometimes work against us as well as in our favor. But simply put, the past determines something we deem very significant which is our perception. On the flip side of that coin, our perception is dependent upon the past yet we often give the significance of the present and future to our perception as well, though neither are determined by it. Our perception is based solely on what has been, not what is or what is yet to come.

Our past selves, however, are not free from the scrutiny of our perception. We judge our past selves with favorable words such as: could’ve, would’ve, and should’ve. These words operate under the jurisdiction of hindsight, which frankly is not fair to our past self. We may think, “If 22 year old me would’ve taken that job seriously I’d be a millionaire by now.” But the brain that was in your 22 year old head does not possess the knowledge or experience of your current brain. And with that understanding, it is an unrealistic expectation to place upon 22 year old you. So why do we do it?

I was co facilitating a group therapy session when the topic of internal dialogues arose and a very insightful client brought up the idea of rumination over the past while pondering the point. Though I think no two people are exactly the same, I think we often have similar experiences and thought processes toward ourselves and the past. The hyper focusing on the past seems to serve no purpose other than rehashing our disappointment and/or shame as if with the intention to find some forgotten alternative story or to find a way to rewrite history altogether. As this clearly operates in contradiction to laws of both space and time, the past remains in the past and we remain the more intelligent and seasoned students because of it. We easily forget that we would not even have the capability to judge our past self if we had not lived through our past, arriving here at these moments ready to cast judgment.

Solution? There isn’t always one. But if we, someone a little older and a little wiser, can ponder giving our past self the compassion and patience that we may give someone else who is a little younger and a little more naive, we may be on the right track.